Have you ever wondered what life was like for a penis and vagina?
What they thought as you go about your day to day life with them tucked safely away in your pants?
Well now’s your chance to find out exactly what your naughty bits are really thinking.
This hilarious romantic tale will reveal the deepest darkest thoughts of the most intimate parts of the human body. The ups and downs, the ins and outs, the highs and lows.
Having two brains is not just a myth, as you will discover in this journey of love, laughter, pleasure and pain.
Strap on your seatbelts because you are in for a hard, fast and naughty ride.
*Please note: This is a full length novel*
Besties are the best for a reason. As the giggles subside, my girl goes into the details of the whole day, then they all decide on a plan my girl should follow. Operation ‘Kill him with Kindness’ takes shape. Which is basically my girl being herself but upping the niceness factor a few sickening notches. I’m not sure she’ll resort to cooking his whole office blueberry and yoghurt muffins like she does her own on occasion, but she’ll definitely not let his freeze smother her fire.
As they order a selection of Tapas for dinner with some wine, they notice a group of five business men eyeing them quite obviously. Bar 31 is not usually where the girls pick up, the class is generally a little to snobby for the girls taste, but hey, if the interest is there, why ignore it? So they throw sly smiles back.
Two of the men have beards, which results in some … interesting conversation.
“Seriously, I couldn’t stand the pash rash you’d have on a daily basis, let alone the possibility of swallowing a piece of yesterday’s lunch every time you went in for a kiss. I see the hotness factor of a beard, the rugged caveman look is damn hot, but the constant prickly feeling would be too much for me.”
I think my girl needs to take her own advice on how to ‘look outside the box’ because that prickly feeling would be sexy as fuck.
“Oh Lexi, Lexi, Lexi. Think of that pash rash somewhere else. But think of it as more of a hot friction than a sore rash.”
“Pash rash, down there? No thanks!”
“Friction not rash! Believe me, it’s hot. Don’t knock it till you try it.”
Oh yeahhhhhh. I wanna try, I wanna try, pleaseeeeeeee. Fuck the pash rash, make a sacrifice for me girlfriend. Mmm prickly friction, yum. It’d be so much better than the friction from our vibrator; that seriously needs an upgrade by the way. Ooo suggest a trip to the XXX superstore again, that was hilarious, even though we nearly wet our pants with laughter. Zali’s demonstration of what to do with that three headed contraption will forever be etched into my brain and some new toys would spice things up a little. No? Okay then, but please consider some beard friction, for me.
“If you took home one of the Mr Cavemen, you’d be sure to wake up happier in the morning and that’d be a good start for day two of working closely with Mr Uptight. You’d walk in glowing like you just received the best morning sex of your life and have him wondering all day why you’re in such a good mood. It’s a win, win.”
Yes! My girl is actually considering it. Oh my God, make me a beared lady please.
“Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?”
“Beard’s will do that to you. You’re going to love it. Just don’t push up to hard, those prickles can get a bit … tricky sometimes. I can’t wait to hear of the results.”
“Aren’t you going to tell her what happened when …?”
“Shh. She needs to experience it for herself. And it’s different for everyone. I can’t wait to hear what you think. This is the most excited I have been since you told us about Mel and the guy who couldn’t get off without his cock ring.”
“Okay, what’re you not telling me girlies? Is a beard a go or a no?”
“Oh it is definitely a go! Very much a go hoe.”
By now the group of men have made their way over to our girls table and are politely buying them drinks. This is a refined place, not a place where the dudes are shouting the girls shots, but hey, there’s a time and a place for shot shouting and this bar is too refined for that and so are their cliental. But hey, free alcohol is still free alcohol. And after a few more drinks one of the hot beared cavemen, who surprisingly has tatts like a ‘rock star’ under his business shirt, turns out to be pretty cool and … well … pretty to look at too.
After a trip to the ladies, which yes, as all men joke about, can’t be taken alone, safety in numbers when you gossip like bitches behind closed doors, my girl decides to throw Mr Uptight from her brain, take the plunge and invite Mr Tattooed Beared Dragon back to our place for some prickly friction. I’m so freaking excited I’m flooding her panties in appreciation.
Once our apartment door is closed he wastes no time and to begin with, the prickly kisses are a nice sensation. But it doesn’t take long for my girls lips to cry out in raw unhappiness as the infamous pash rash takes hold. My girl subtly dodges his lips by moving over to nibble on his ear, which going by his growl, he likes. This gives him a chance to move his beared lips down my girl’s neck. Ahh, now that’s a nice sensation, sending sparks to our core.
He’s good with his lips as he slowly travels down, nipping with his teeth as he sensually travels over her collarbone and down between her breasts. When his mouth travels over her nipples and his whiskers graze the sensitive buds, we almost convulse into oblivion. Mmm, why haven’t we tried a beard before? Oh this will not be the last time I’m sure of it.
He loves her nails lightly scratching down his back as he reaches the apex of her thighs and takes his time to admire my sexual beauty.
“Oh yeah, I’m wet and ready for you baby.”
“You smell so freaking hot kitty cat.”
“Umm, maybe less talking and more doing, because ‘kitty cat’ don’t do it for me spiky.”
“Whatever you say sugar. Just lie back and enjoy the ride my guy is going to take you on. To the moon we go babe.”
“Yeah, still less talking please. You’re interrupting my mojo.”
Oh, oh, oh, the first feeling of his beard is delicious as he lightly brushes it over our clit. I am sooooo not going to last long. Yey, multiple orgasms tonight! But, as he starts to apply more pressure as he digs his tongue into my core, the prickle actually starts to hurt a bit.
“Ow, ow, okay, lighten up a bit dude. Ow, ow, this is not pleasant anymore.”
It’s starting to feel like a thousand tiny needles attacking me all at once.
“Just relax baby, we got you. It will get better soon I promise.”
“Ow, ow. Needles, needles, jabbing, stabbing. Ow, ow, OW! No more! Get that hairy weapon of mass destruction and pain away from me!”
Oh come on girlfriend, I can tell you are not liking it either. Get him off of me, find a way to move him somewhere else. Hey, offer him a blow job, offer him anything just pleaseeeeeeee get him off of me before I bleed to death from all the pricks.
Oh no! Fuck me! What is that smell? Is that … is that sticky stuff in his beard? What the fuck? A piece of buffalo wing … from yesterday!!!
Tania Cooper and Ricky Cooper are co-authors and besties, who just so happen to have the same surname, live on opposite sides of the world, Australia and the UK and skype almost daily to bring you their combined creativeness.
Their first collaboration came in the form of the dark and graphic Heaven’s Scent series. They share the same wicked sense of humour and a love of creative words as shown in their individual books.
They love to hear from their readers who share a passion for the written word in all shapes and sizes.